Vaulnerability Mismanagement™
We catalogue issues by priority colour and file expensive reports. Patching optional. Invoicing mandatory.
CVSS: Very Colourful
EST. WHENEVER · ISO 27001 PENDING™
We Guarantee Everything —
And Deliver Nothing.
Enterprise-ready theater for risk, compliance and stakeholder reassurance. Armchair monitoring, vaulnerability mismanagement, and incandecant response — polished with charts and meaningless metrics.
SOC 2 Type Never
GDPR Adjacent
ISO 27001 "Pending"
99.2% Alerts Ignored
OUR OFFERINGS
Curated Services
Packaged illusions and evergreen roadmaps, delivered with polished incompetence.
Armchair Monitoring™
Weekly dashboard reviews and premium nodding. Our analysts hold ergonomic certification.
99% Uptime Claimed
MOST POPULAR
Incandecant Response™
Bright alerts, brief action, swift invoice. Mean time to invoice: under 4 minutes.
MTTI: 3.8 min
Holistic SIEM Guesswork
Correlation by coincidence, triage by emoji. Our AI is a regex from 2009.
ML-Powered™ (Maybe)
Quantum Breach Advisory
Threats predicted in alternate timelines. Results may not apply to your universe.
Future-Adjacent
Governance Risk Compensation
We offset compliance risk via premium invoices. Board presentations guaranteed beautiful.
Compliance-Adjacent
KEY PERFORMANCE INDICATORS
The Numbers Don't Lie*
*Numbers may lie. Definitions available upon invoicing.
99.97%
Dashboard Uptime
alerts silenced for reliability
0s
Mean Time to Patch
we don't patch; that resets the counter
847+
Ignored Alerts Today
each one logged, none actioned
14k
Slides Delivered
zero breaches prevented
∞
Buzzwords Deployed
SOCaaSaaP™ accounts for 40%
4.8★
Client Satisfaction
clients don't know what they don't know
SENIOR LEADERSHIP TEAM
Our Leadership
Professionally uncanny. Teeth enhanced for enterprise credibility.
Chad Compliance
Chief Executive Obfuscator
25 years appearing to deliver value while avoiding measurable outcomes. Known for the phrase "alignment achieved."
Felicia Forecast
Chief Fee Optimization Officer
Pioneered the double-invoice model. If you're reading this invoice, there's already another one in transit.
Ivan Incident
Chief Incandecant Security Officer
Famous for colorful dashboards and zero prevented incidents. Holds three expired certifications.
Oliver Outage
GM of Planned Downtime
Has personally scheduled 47 maintenance windows, attended none. Believes outages are "self-healing."
Tina Trendword
VP of Buzzword Innovation
Creator of SOCaaSaaP™. Currently workshopping "Cyber-Adjacent Zero-Trust Posture Amplification."
Derek Datahole
Principal Log Loss Scientist
Pioneered the "we retained it, we just can't find it" compliance approach. GDPR loves him.
Erica Earful
VP of Exfiltration Strategy
Oversees listening without acting. Large ears, larger oversight gaps. Data leaves; reports stay.
Neil Noseless
Chief Optimism Officer
Nose optional, optimism mandatory. Responsible for the company motto: "probably fine."
INVESTMENT TIERS
Pricing
All plans include: dashboards, meetings, and a complimentary sense of security.
Basic Exploitable
$9,999/mo
Minimal security, maximum exposure. For SMBs who want the optics without outcomes.
- 1 dashboard (read-only)
- Weekly nod from an analyst
- Quarterly PowerPoint
- Actual incident response
- Patching
BEST VALUE™
Enterprise Misfire
$49,999/mo
Includes chaos, hidden fees, and a dedicated account manager who never answers calls.
- 3 dashboards (animated)
- SIEM (untuned)
- XDR (vendor demo licence)
- Quarterly executive briefing
- Breach prevention
Government Catastrophe
$999,999/mo
National-scale breakdown. Includes parliamentary-grade slide decks and a scapegoat clause.
- Unlimited dashboards
- Press release template
- "Nation-state" attribution
- Scapegoat identification
- Any of the above, actually
* All prices exclusive of GST, emergency fees, post-incident retrospective fees, fee-review fees, and the Premium Invoice Surcharge (PIS™). Contracts auto-renew. In the event of a breach, fees double.
THOUGHT LEADERSHIP
Resources
Whitepapers, frameworks, and retrospective justifications.
WHITEPAPER
Sock SOC Annual Report 2025
72 pages of infographics explaining why nothing is our fault. Heavily cited, lightly peer-reviewed.
Download PDF ↓FRAMEWORK
The SOCK Maturity Model™
Five levels of operational theater. Most clients plateau at Level 2 ("Comfortable Ignorance") indefinitely.
Request Framework ↓WEBINAR
"Probably Fine" — A Risk Appetite Masterclass
90 minutes on calibrating acceptable loss thresholds for maximum invoice justification.
Register (Free*) ↓GET IN TOUCH
Ready to be professionally misled?
Our sales team responds within 4–6 business quarters. All inboxes monitored, none actioned.
Salessales@sock.co.nz
Partnerspartners@sock.co.nz
Investorsinvestors@sock.co.nz
Careerscareers@sock.co.nz
Also on sock.nz — same team, fewer letters.
Skip the Queue
Express your interest directly. Our intake form is a mailto link, which communicates our infrastructure maturity.
Email: "I want to be you"By clicking you consent to being added to three mailing lists and receiving one (1) unsolicited whitepaper per fortnight.
